Can people change? Yes. They most certainly can, including toxic ones. However, it’s not as simple as your worries and anxieties would have you believe.

Every day, I speak with folks going through a breakup after giving their everything to a toxic partner. They told me how unique their ex was at first; they believed they had found their soul mate.

However, things quickly get pretty unpleasant and depressing.

They described how, after the honeymoon period, they realized they had been deceived, cheated on, and manipulated for months at a time. They blame themselves and are sure that they “did something” to cause the rapid shift in the other.

Many people (understandably) cry after telling me all the details and describe their ex as manipulative, lying, abusive, and unworthy of an honest relationship.

• “Is it really true that she did this?”
• How will I ever find someone as good as him?
• He was the most fantastic person I’ve ever met.
• Without him, “What am I going to do?”
• How am I going to get her back?”
• You don’t know Noor, and Despite his faults, he started out being such a guy. I’ll never meet another person with his personality and image.

This comes after they described their ex as a selfish a**hole.

And though I can relate because I’ve been there so many times, here are my replies:

# “Yes. It’s certainly possible that she did this at this point. I am not surprised. You essentially said that you discovered a feathered creature quacking in the water and couldn’t believe it was a duck. I’m not shocked to see a duck there.

# “You are correct. The whole point is that someone like him will never be found again.

#The ‘most fantastic man you’ve ever known wasn’t him. When you were with him, you were your best self yet. You struggle with limits and self-love, which is why you fall for men who, by allowing you to do things for them that you can’t do for yourself, make you adore the person you are around them (like protect, nurture, encourage, and support). He’s not the best, though. The best was your perception of him and what he stood for. And he didn’t deserve the praise you’re giving him. Praise yourself for achieving freedom.

#”You know what You’re going to do without him. A LOT BETTER”.

#You get her once you turn on indifference (by accepting who she has revealed herself to be).

#While it’s beautiful to value chivalry, attractiveness, and a winning demeanor, all you have is a friendly, attractive liar with a lovely personality who cheats. How appealing is this? Would you tell this man to your younger self? Would you let him alone with your past self? Would you want a member of your family or close buddy to date someone like him?

How Can People Change?

Being hurt over being exploited, abused, and taken for granted is one thing. It’s one thing to be upset over leaving a toxic partner who cheats, lies, and is terrible for your mental health. It’s quite another. All because you are sure they were at first still who they are.

It’s comparable to beating yourself up for having a lifelong prison sentence over a crime you didn’t commit or crying because you just learned you are cancer-free.

I am aware of the pain, though. And I know how much damage it can do.

The realization that you invested in a relational Ponzi scam is the worst feeling in the world. If this had been a financial investment, it would have been simpler. You could sue and try to get your money back. And even if you didn’t get your money back, at the least, what happened to you may be proven in court to be immoral and unethical and unlawful. The other person would be covered in eggs and have their reputation destroyed.

What transpires when there is no justice vision, and someone violates relationship laws?

What results from investing in your most fragile asset? Something that you are uncertain of your ability ever to repair or reopen…

                                  The heart.